I Need A Time Machine

It’s the late night memories that haunt me the most. I think of my kids as these little children & then I see them taller than me, about to graduate high school, and working a job, etc. and I’m reminded of HOW MUCH STUFF I’ve missed out on. You won’t fully understand unless you’ve been there or been through the same things I have. It’s devastating, and I’m sure it’s just as devastating for them too.

Motherhood was stolen from me in a sense, and there’s no way I can go back into the past and “making things right”. My children missed out on having a loving Mother in their lives for most of their years. And even when I was there, I was always distracted and not fully present. I was constantly worried and focused on my addiction.

These are the things I will never fully forgive myself for, and I don’t think they are things that should be fully forgiven. Addiction or not, it’s the kids that end up having to deal with the consequences of their parents bad choices. It’s not fair to anyone, but in the end they didn’t ask to be here. I selfishly brought them into this world, and then left them to fend for themselves while I was too busy chasing relationships and drugs. And yes, I realize I was 15 years old having babies.. and that says a lot .. but still. Facts are facts.

I’m trying to work through these feelings and emotions.. but I constantly hit a wall and can’t get past it.

I can say “I’m sorry” a million times, but it doesn’t change anything. Not a damn thing.