Late Night Thots (Pun Intended)
I’m trying to put everything together.. into words.. but I’ve somehow forgotten how to form a fucking sentence. My mind just goes *blank* and then I come to realizing I’ve been zoning out for the past 15 minutes staring at a screen.
Dissociation is actually what it’s called. Thinking about a particularly painful time in my life.. and my brain trying to protect me by basically shutting down, temporarily. It’s nothing new for me but it’s particularly annoying when I’m trying to get things done.
It’s almost 4am, and while the rest of the world sleeps.. here I am.. trying to put words together like a scrabble game.
I really miss sleep. Like actual sleep. Of course I sleep, but only for a couple hours here and there a night or for 15 hours straight at a time — there is no in between. I’ve come to realize that sleep in itself is a coping mechanism for me. I remember when something particularly uncomfortable would happen to be as a child, and I would just want to shut down and go to sleep. Over the years I would be called “lazy” and “useless”, but little did they know that it was just the beginning of my disassociations and poor coping skills. 🥴
During my addiction, all I did was sleep. My entire goal for getting high that day would be to “nod out/off”. I would be highly pissed and disappointed (to say lightly) if the dope I got didn’t basically knock me out. (By dope I mean heroin, for the record. Since I’ll be saying dope a lot — and for me personally — that’s what it means.) So for a good 18 hours a day, I’d be “comfortably numb” in my little bed. Doing absolutely nothing, but barely existing. Waking up, realizing my existence, doing another shot of dope, and passing back out. And I did this for 15 years damn near..
It almost hurts to say that, out loud or even in writing. 15 years. Do you realize how long that is? Because even I don’t entirely. I’ve wasted 15 years, that I can never get back. 15 years with my kids, that I can never get back. It’s these thoughts actually, that keep me awake during nights like these. “15 years” just echoing through out my head. I guess, in a way, I’m a bit thankful for the dissociation at times. Because having to feel ALL OF THAT, all the time, is painful, to put it mildly.
I think I’m going to end it here for tonight.. Kind of sudden? Probably. But I have things I need to do tomorrow and after realizing the time.. I need to at least try to sleep for 2–3 hours. 🤷🏻♀️
Sweet Dreams, and all that overrated bs.💤
