We Need To Talk About This
I’m sure you’ve watched Shameless, and know who Sheila Jackson is. And real quick if you don’t- Sheila was one of the main characters on (the tv show) Shameless that had Agoraphobia (among other things). We laughed at her funny scenes where she would freak out trying to leave the house. Something silly would always happen, making her retreat back inside. At one point she wasn’t even able to leave her room, and talked of having her daughter’s wedding party in said room. If you’re wondering why I’m bringing up Sheila Jackson and her Agoraphobia, it’s because I too (have/had/do) suffer from something similar as this.
Agoraphobia: Fear of places and situations that might cause panic, helplessness, or embarrassment. Agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder that often develops after one or more panic attacks.
Living with untreated & unmedicated Anxiety is awful. It’s been crippling for me. I can’t even leave my house at times because I have unrealistic fears of my dogs getting hurt/dying or my house burning down (and my dogs dying) — you get the jist that my biggest fear is something happening to my dogs.
It got so bad at one point that I couldn’t leave my house for a better part of an entire year. Literally COULD NOT leave my house. And like Sheila from Shameless, there were a couple times where I would start to feel better and hopeful about leaving the house. I finally had enough courage built up, and I left the house twice during that year. And those two times I did (for only an hour or so at most) MY DOG HAD A SEIZURE. BOTH TIMES. It of course completely riddled me with guilt and regret that I wasn’t there to help him, and that somehow me leaving the house caused it. So after those two failed attempts, it pushed me further back into my house. Any progress I had previously made was no more.
I’ve had to lie to people about why I couldn’t hang out with them.. because I was too embarrassed to tell them the truth. I also lost a lot of friends because they thought I just didn’t want to spend time with them. The few people I confided in didn’t even believe how bad it was and were offended, thinking I was making up excuses not to see them.. and I can’t blame them. It sounds absolutely bonkers… until you’re living it for yourself.
It took awhile before I was able to sit on the porch without rushing back in every 30 seconds thinking my dogs fell down the stairs and broke their neck or like, thinking one drowned in the water bowl — and YES it sounds silly (and a bit insane) to talk about it now.. but at the time it was very real to me…😏
*SIDE NOTES:
SIDE NOTE #1 — Telling someone who is struggling with this that they should *just* “Leave the house for a bit, you’ll feel so much better!” does absolutely nothing to help said person. It doesn’t make anything better and there is no “just leaving the house” with this illness. I understand people are just trying to help, but it doesn’t do that and if anything, it causes embarrassment and shame, causing said person to recluse even further.
SIDE NOTE #2 — The ONLY TIMES I could actually leave the house and be “OK” was when I was high or going to get high. And 9/10 I either brought my dogs along on the run, or had someone I trusted to watch them. I hate to say it, but heroin is the only “medicine” that has ever worked for me. It took away all my mental and physical pain. I was able to leave the house and not have a panic attack. It just sucks that it had to ruin my entire existence at the same time.. lol. But that’s a whole other topic for another time! 😜
FAST FORWARD
Currently, I’m working with my Therapist on all of this. It’s an ongoing process. And for (un)fair reasons, I cannot be prescribed any kind of benzos (Klonopin, Xanax, etc) because they’re addictive and *could* interact with other medications I’m on. Even though I could really benefit from these types of medications (and even though they really helped me in the past) 😩. So, I’m learning coping mechanisms and such.. and I’m always open to advice and constructive feedback.
I wanted to share this though because I KNOW I’m not the only one who has gone through this.. (or maybe I am 🥴) … So just know what you are not alone and you do not have to be ashamed. I truly do not give one single flying fuck what anyone thinks about me anymore.. whether that be past, present, or future me. The only opinion I care about is that of my children’s. What they think about me is far more important than someone I rarely talk to (if at all) and barely see (again, if at all), so.. that’s that. 🙃
